Monday, October 20, 2008

Sure Is Hard To Figure Out Who To Vote For!

Sorry I've been gone so long. I've been trying to decide which candidate to vote for. At first, I was going to vote for John McCain. I mean: WAR HERO! Then, I rented "The Manchurian Candidate" and I got nervous. I'm sure NOTHING'S WRONG with Mr. McCain...I just got nervous.

But then, McCain got this super-hot hockey mom as a VP running mate. I mean: slight schwing, with mitigating factors. Sure, she might not date me because "Don't you guys all have horns?", but I bet she smells good! Quickly, 'though, I remembered that my favorite political beauty queen of all time is, in fact, Miss Democrat--who smells like apple pie, Love's Baby Soft, teen spirit, and that delicious stuff they put in the air vents in Vegas to keep everybody awake. Here, enjoy this photo of a determinedly cheery Miss Democrat being sold to a hyenalike creepy old guy by a smiley, yet demonic, stewardess.
Wait, no. This is a better picture--in this one, she's had time to get her legs in "Pageant Position." Yeah, I'm not sure what George Clooney is doing here, either:So, there goes the lock on the McCain/Palin ticket for this guy. Still unsure who to vote for, I turn to the oracle known as ELECTION PINBACK BUTTONS. When in doubt, let the ELECTION PINBACK BUTTONS be your guide. Fasten your seatbelt. We're going in.

First thing I find out, is that WOMEN are for McCain! If I'd known that, I'd be wearing a McCain costume to that Swingers Halloween Party I'm going to, and...oh, wait..., I guess that one's a draw.
But hey, looky here! Uncle SAM is for Obama and Biden! Awesome! That's a lock, then, that's just a lock, right? Oh, crap...
It's another tie. But, in this tie, I'm leaning toward Obama because Uncle Sam just looks really creepy as he prepares to feed the presidency to a very scary "I want, gimme, I want" baby John McCain.

Hold on. I think everything is going to be okay. Your SANTA has come out for McCain. That clears everything up--sure, I technically don't believe in Santa, but...
Curse your armies of department store jolly old elfs! How the heck am I supposed to make up my mind NOW?

Sorry. Had to walk away and do my deep breathing exercises. I'm back, and this pinback is reminding me that I forgot about an important bunch of folks to pay attention to. Yessir, were I a billionaire--unless I were one of those bearded, sandal-wearing "give-y" Internet billionaires--I would solidly be in the McCain camp. So, ya know, why not...maybe I'll become a billionaire after McCain gets elected, and...ooooh, what have we here...On the back of this pinback, it says, "For more information, contact Ms. Bambi and Ms. Starla, Happy Valley Pleasant Forest Camp..." If you ask me, it was a big mistake not to put Ms. Bambi and Ms. Starla on this pinback. Yet, this gets my attention, and as a voter, I think I might need to leave right now and "caucus" with Bambi and Starla, and...I'll be back in awhile.

Okay. Back. WHY was I not informed how COOL John McCain is...LOOK at THIS PINBACK! This is the most awesome thing ever, he's getting my vote now, and...
It's another freakin' tie. Searching hard, a mug of hot coffee clasped in each sweaty fist, I know I MUST find some key differences between the candidates. There HAVE to be pinbacks out there to help me. The two parties MUST have some strong, decisive images to help me decide. ...or not. And, looking at these make my head ache. Is it fun to have donkeys and elephants pound on your gourd? No, I don't think this is fun. All right, let's just cut the chit-chat and go through the rest of these.


AND, OH, WOW!!! STRONG MEN ARE FOR MCCAIN! (um, except this guy makes me kinda nervous...don't know why...I think that might be a fake 'stache on a Hitler youth? Or, an early photo of G. Gordon Liddy? Can't put my finger on it. It's disquieting.)
Okay, OKAY. Now I'm starting to figure this out. BEAGLES ARE FOR OBAMA.
AND, "ILLEGALS" ARE FOR MCCAIN? This seems like a lock. Back in college, I have to admit that I did a thing or two that could be called "illegal"--although, between consenting adults, I don't know why...Still, I guess that I've GOTTA be for McCain? In the bigger picture, 'though, these two pinbacks probably don't help much. I mean, can beagles vote?
Hold on. Game over. Coffee cups down. Let's slide all of the pinbacks carefully into the drawer--watch your fingers, they PRICK. I almost got lockjaw from a Dead Kennedys button back in '83.

Here we go.